5 reasons not to use Happn

So since the demise of Mattias on the scene as he busily acts like Linda Barker in his new home, dating apps have been downloaded, pinned to the homescreen and abused late night to the point of RSI and whilst there’s one lil exclusive dating app I’m yet to road test on a date, I have some problems with Happn; here’s what they are.

  1. I met Mr CrepeWaffle and Jon Cruise on Happn. Whilst the date with CrepeWaffle was ok, he ordered a lot of food, most of which he ate and then didn’t even offer to cover what he had. I paid more than my share for some duck and broccoli. Delicious duck and broccoli, but still duck and broccoli. Not necessarily Happn’s fault, but it isn’t mine and I need a scapegoat.
  2. It’s essentially an app to stalk, obsess and get crazy over. Happn works by working out who you may have locked eyes with (or, more often really haven’t) whilst walking to work mentally testing out excuses for why you’re late again, running to the gym in the leggings you slept in last night or whilst doing your hangover shop (consists mainly of Giant Diary Milk Buttons and hummus- rogue romaine lettuce). Whilst planning a date using Happn means there’s no worries of last tubes home as you’ll probably go out in the same area you live or it’s easy to go out for an after work drink since his office is opposite yours, it also means awkwardly waiting for your tube together the morning after ‘there was just no spark’ on the date the night before and avoiding eye contact and choosing a new work local. What’s worse is you get notifications as to when they’re close by, thereby causing you to divert your lunch time walk into ZARA and accidentally spending £50 on a leather skirt only slightly different to one you already have, but better (honest).
  3. The interface, advertisement bombardment and why must all apps icons be blue?! The amount of times I have opened Happn instead of Messenger in the most awks of situations…
  4. Drains your data as you wait for your train back to Manchester and are slightly bored/not ready to settle in to your book recommended by Richard and Judy yet. Your dad then questions why you have gone over your data so much when you assess how much money you spend each month in attempt to begin paying back that overdraft (re: ZARA skirt bought because of Happn AND draining data)
  5. And the worst reason:  last week, I actually did run in to Mr CrepeWaffle sweaty AF from Spin cos he’s a member of my gym. I spent my entire session hyper aware that he was probably watching my butt jiggle as I turned the treadmill up way faster than usual (still gotta impress, even if I don’t want to invest, innit?) hoping he didn’t come over to ask why I had gently ghosted him. Also, I was definitely wearing the top I slept in the night before.

Download: cos it’s free and a good time waster and if you do have a love at first sight moment as the doors of the tube close moment, who knows? He may be on Happn…

But ultimately, just talk IRL. your RSI will thank you for iHappn.png


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