By the time you’re reading this I will be in a stress induced coma of the sorts only long haul travel can bring on. I will be mouth open, train chugging snoring and what appears to be a waterfall will be drooling out of my mouth.
Right this moment though I’m sat typing this on my phone in ecomomy hell, there’s a baby screaming till it’s started doing that wheezy, hiccupy thing where you’re afraid it’s forgotten how to breath and the kid sat behind me is a first class brat (ironically stuck in economy). Five minutes ago, said brat uttered the words, “Dad, why can’t the plane have ear plug earphones?! These ones make my head look fat! It’s not fairrrrrr!!!”
The fact that a child of approximately 7 has head dysmorphia is worrying; the fact that his father went on to say, “darling, at least your ears look smaller with these head phones on” is positively both hilarious and a little bit shocking!
All previous notions of me being sat next to a charming old woman returning to India to find her long lost love she’d met travelling on a date they’d fixed back in the 70’s, or a man who happened to know someone at The Times, or the BBC I could network with to get some work experience, were rapidly disappearing. In my head the woman was going to meet her Indian wrinkly lover outside the Taj Mahal, Bollywood music would start playing out of nowhere and they’d run towards each other as fast as their arthritis would allow.
In reality, I’m currently sat next to a man who smells slightly of damp clothing, is softly snoring like he has been doing since five minutes into the flight and I am desperate for wee.
Being British, I’m obviously too polite (lack the courage) to wake him up to go for wee so I’m rocking back and forth. Like a crazy person.
All in all though, the journey seems to be everything I expect India is going to be like. No leg room, loud, varied and a bombardment of the senses and, well needing the loo a lot.
Whilst I cannot wait to arrive in Bangalore, see sights that will change my world forever, visit temples and eat a lot of curry, right now the trip of a lifetime would simply be to find the loo vacant when I finally summon up the courage to wake Sleeping Beauty…